Category: Mental Health Page 21 of 23

RAD Is Not RADical In Our World

On December 10, 2018

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When I type RAD on Facebook, lots of thumbs up emoji’s float across the screen. At first I was so confused because RAD is nothing to celebrate. If anything, a sad face or thumbs down emoji should float across the page. Then it dawned on me that Facebook most likely assumes RAD is short for Radical or the 80s slang, “that’s so RAD”. Not in our world, or the world of many parents who have adopted kids with traumatic backgrounds. In our world, RAD is short for Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD. Despite going through intensive foster parent trainings back in 2005, and having a Masters degree in Counseling from 1994, RAD is not a psychological issue I was familiar with at all. However, that quickly began to change in the latter part of 2006/early 2007. Soon, we would become too familiar with this trauma related issue than we ever wanted to be.

Most people I run into or meet have no idea what RAD is or the behaviors that go with it. In fact, it’s so rare that when I do meet someone who gets it because they live it, we instantly share a connection. So what is Reactive Attachment Disorder? The DSM-V describes it as……

A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:

The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.
The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.

B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:

Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others
Limited positive affect
Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.

C. The child has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as evidenced by at least one of the following:

Social neglect or deprivation in the form of persistent lack of having basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection met by caring adults
Repeated changes of primary caregivers that limit opportunities to form stable attachments (e.g., frequent changes in foster care)
Rearing in unusual settings that severely limit opportunities to form selective attachments (e.g., institutions with high child to caregiver ratios)

D. The care in Criterion C is presumed to be responsible for the disturbed behavior in Criterion A (e.g., the disturbances in Criterion A began following the lack of adequate care in Criterion C).

E. The criteria are not met for autism spectrum disorder.

F. The disturbance is evident before age 5 years.

G. The child has a developmental age of at least nine months.

Specify if Persistent: The disorder has been present for more than 12 months.

Specify current severity: Reactive Attachment Disorder is specified as severe when a child exhibits all symptoms of the disorder, with each symptom manifesting at relatively high levels.

That’s the psychological definition, but what does this RAD look like in every day life? I thought I’d shared a few things here to help others understand this complex, difficult and exhausting brain illness for all who are involved, including the individual struggling with RAD.

RAD is Charming and well mannered. Well, sort of. A child with RAD is typically sweet and charming to others. These children are often well loved by their peers and teachers, other family members see them as polite and well mannered and you will often be told by others that they wished their children were so well mannered. It’s how they have learned to get what they need and want. Often, it’s how they survived their trauma. However, this charm is usually used to manipulate others and get them to let their guard down so they can get what they feel they want or need. The charm is not genuine, but a tool for survival but
RAD is Hyper vigilant to the max. They are often stuck in the flight or flight survival mode of the brain. Their switched turned on during their abuse or trauma and it simply stayed on. These kids are constantly on high alert. Whether they are at school, at home, at the store or anywhere with people, they are always. Watching out for danger and ready to run at any moment. Even if they looked relaxed and as if they are paying attention, they most likely aren’t. This affects their progress and school and maintaining relationships because they have trouble paying attention and trusting they are safe with anyone or anywhere. Big crowds and big cities are the hardest for our son. He is currently at a school that sits in the middle of nowhere. There are horses and cows. There’s a routine. Staff lives on site. He’s relaxed and feels safe. Something he was never able to do while at home.
RAD is having trouble building true attachments with others. Relationships are built on trust. These children don’t trust anyone or the world because they have been let down and not kept safe. It is easier for them to rely on themselves only. If you depend on another person for your basic needs or even a roof over your head, eventually they will let you down or leave. So instead, they work against building relationships. They have behaviors that will push others away. They lie, steal. Fight, destroy property and many other behaviors that make it difficult for others to want to be close to them. They do this because believing others will stick around is scarier than being on their own.
RAD is a roller coaster of emotions. If you say up, they say down. If you say yes, they say no. No matter what you do to try to help, it will Not be right. They will be obedient one minute and defiant the next. These kids aren’t trying to make us lose our mind. It really is all about control and safety for them. The fear of feeling helpless overrides all else. The world around them has not kept them safe. Therefore, they have a strong desire to control the world around them and everyone who is in it. Anger is an emotion that fills their small body. Sometimes it’s obvious and other times it’s more subtle. There will be times when they appear to be interacting appropriately when suddenly someone is hurt. A high five given too hard, an overzealous hug that hurts or a toy that “accidentally” hit another child in the head. This makes it very difficult to parent and to figure out how to meet this child’s emotional needs. At the end of the day, everyday, it is exhausting.
. RAD needs constant supervision. CONSTANT! I don’t know exactly what it is, but these kids are usually not good at making good choices when left on their own. The brain has not been nurtured the way it needed to be in their early, developmental years and that can affect their decision making skills. When you are raising a child with RAD, they are often delayed in their decision making ability. They may be 8 or 9 years old, but will need supervision and guidance like they are 3 or 4 years old. It isn’t always apparent by just looking at them and talking to them. This can fool many, especially teachers, who will expect 4th grade behavior from your child who may not be able to give that level of behavior and choices on many days. What we learned is that there were certain situations our son could handle and others where he simply needed constant supervision and guidance at an age where a neuro-typical child would be able to have more independence. This is why having a strong and dependable support system is so important. It is not something we ever really had and it became exhausting at times.

There are books written on Reactive Attachment Disorder. There is really so much more to it but I wanted to share a little on it so more people can begin to gain an understanding of this emotional struggle so many of our foster children and orphans will have to learn to overcome on top of everything else. Our society needs to understand that once these sweet kids find their forever families, the pain is still there and there is a lot of healing that still needs to happen. We heard so many times, “Why is he acting like that. He is in a loving family now.” There was so much judgement by others and very little support because they didn’t understand how the early trauma and fully change a child’s brain and that the forever family is now in charge of helping the child heal and repair that hurting brain. I plan to write many posts on our journey and how we have gotten to where we are now and what we have learned throughout this journey. For now, I ask you all to just learn a little on what Reactive Attachment Disorder is and how it affects the child and their family so that you can be a non-judgmental support to these families that are in your community. The more we work together, the easier and more successful these precious lives with be.

Simplifying Your Life

By Debbie

On December 5, 2018

In Mental Health

Life can catch up with us and overwhelm us without even realizing it. When it does, it seems like dominos falling all around us. When we can keep up with work, we then get behind at home, with family, and then eventually, ourselves. Over the past three years, I have been focused to gaining control back of my life. There isn’t a whole lot we can control. We make plans and life happens. However, we can work to control our surroundings and what we put in them. Most of us have too much stuff!! We don’t like to admit it, but we do. We also tend to keep too much emotional clutter too. Learning to let go of things, complicated relationships, and obligations we don’t really need to be obligated to can clear up our mind and soul and give it more room to focus on keeping our brain healthy and will give us more time to take care of ourselves.

What can you get rid of? How can you make changes in order to make your life simpler? I have always prided myself on not being a hoarder. I love clearing out closets and filling up bags to be donated. When my kids outgrew toys, they got donated. Clothes that no longer fit anyone? Gone. However, our life had been so chaotic for close to a decade, that when we sold our house and made plans to move to Orlando, I decided it was the perfect opportunity to simplify my life even more. Here are a few ways to go through your life and assess which areas you can simplify in your life in order to give yourself more energy and time to focus on your brain health and mental well being.

Do you need it? When going through our things, we often have items that we thing we need or may need again in the future. We sometimes hold onto them for years but never use them. They say that if you haven’t used it in a year. For me, I decided anything I hadn’t used in the previous year, then it either got donated, sold, or thrown away. There are a few exceptions. For example, we have some camping equipment and we don’t camp that often. However, I kept that. Other items, such as old toys from my boys, books, Knick knacks, etc, I got rid of all but a few that I thought would look nice in our new place. When you are trying to minimize, your definition of “need” and “want” can begin to blur. You need to really be committed to getting rid of that which you don’t truly need. Do you NEED 20 pair of jeans or 10 black t-shirts? Probably not. Start with your bedroom closet and slowly work your way through the house. You will feel lighter as you go along.

Does it give you happiness? When simplifying, another good tip is to ask yourself if what you want to keep brings you happiness and joy. This can also apply to relationships and obligations that we seem to either feel required to be part of or have been asked to help out with. Look at your life. What is in your life that doesn’t make you happy? Who in your life doesn’t make you happy or causes you much stress? If it doesn’t make you happy, then give it away. This goes for relationships too. Now, I’m not saying cut ties with people who may annoy you. Just make a conscious effort to expend your energy and time to those who bring you happiness and joy and who treat you well. Our time is precious so make sure you give it to those you give you the best of themselves. So like above, start in your bedroom and work your way through the house and find items that no longer give you happiness and that you no longer need.

Do you really need to do it? Learn to say NO. So many of us who struggle with depression and anxiety have trouble saying no. We are people pleasers and are often afraid of offending someone at the cost of our own health. One of the greatest skills I have mastered these last 5 years is finally being able to say no. I simply can’t volunteer for every school function, committee or board. I do not have the mental or physical energy to be the team mom or volunteer to help everyone who needs it. My heart is always wanting to say YES and help everyone. What I learned the hard way these last 5 years is that I need to say no in order to keep my brain and body healthy. As I have gotten older, I have realized how much time I need in order to do the activities I need in order to keep my depression under control. I need to exercise, have time to make healthy meals and get enough sleep in order to keep everything balanced inside. In order to do that, I had to learn to say no to certain requests and opportunities. It was not easy to do, but the more you say no, the easier it will become. You aren’t selfish for saying no to extra obligations. You are being smart and self-caring. So, an important part of simplifying your life to help your mental health includes minimizing obligations so you can have the time you need to care for yourself.

Another way I simplified our life was downsizing our home. We were moving from Alabama to Florida. We originally set out to buy a house. Then, one day, I had an epiphany. Why do we need a house? We had a 2 bedroom condo that my husband had been living in since he had moved. We loved the complex and were enjoying the ease of having no yard work or a lot of housework to do on the weekends. I saw it as a way for life to be simpler and it would also force me not to buy things I really don’t need. We simply don’t have room for extra stuff. When I go to the store and I get tempted, I stop and think, “will this really fit in the condo?”. It’s almost always a “no”. If fact, just this week I realized I need to go through the closets again and thin some items down. It has been such a weight off of our shoulders. We have less space which forces us to be together more and with less space, it forces me to not bring anything into the condo that we don’t need. It has been so refreshing to not even be tempted by some items that I normally would want to purchase and bring home. I simply admire it and move on now. By downsizing where we live, we have given ourselves more free time on the weekends and during the week. Of course, I know this isn’t an option for everyone and many are already in small places and can’t downsize their space any more. However, I also know many who still feel “bigger is better” when it comes to their homes.

How does simplifying help our mental health or, brain health as I like to call it? Well, one way is it allows us to think clearer and easier because we are not surrounded by clutter or a space that is overwhelming. There have been many studies on clutter and depression. However, it’s kind of a catch 22. Clutter can make you depressed or anxious, but when you are depressed or anxious, you can’t keep up with your life. It becomes a hard cycle to break. This is where simplifying come into play. The less stuff you own, the smaller place you have, the less obligations you commit to, the more energy and time you will have to keep your space and live a more peaceful, happy and calm life. So, take some time and go through your living place and the rest of your life. See how less can be more when it comes helping your mental health.

Easy and Cheap Self-Care Ideas

By Debbie

On July 19, 2018

In Mental Health

Self-care is something we hear a lot about when discussing both our physical health and our mental health. It is also something most of us are not very good at doing. After neglecting myself for way too many years, and putting everyone and everything before myself, my body began to breakdown both physically and mentally. I learned the hard way that protecting our minds and bodies is crucial. I became so mentally and physically exhausted and so depressed that I was barely able to function throughout the entire day. Actually, I wasn’t doing good job. I realized I had to make some changes and re-evaluate how I was treating myself. In order to do that, I needed to take time to care for myself. Self-care doesn’t have to take a lot of time and it doesn’t need to be expensive. Since I know how hard this can be for so many, I thought I’d share some of my favorite easy and FREE self-care ideas. In the beginning of 2018, I promised myself that I would start to make myself a priority and take care of myself on a daily basis. So, if you struggle with self-care, try adding a few of these to your daily life. Just putting aside a minimum of 20 minutes a day will make a difference.

Take a short walk

Walking gets you moving and also gets you outside into the fresh air. Sometimes I listen to some favorite music but other days I’ll go sans music and just listen to the beauty of nature. There’s something about breathing in fresh air that can often sooth your mind. Do you need some time alone to sort through your thoughts? Walking is a great way to do this. If you want company, it is also a great activity to have someone join you. Walking will get your blood flowing and serotonin moving in your brain. Even just a 20 minute walk around the block will help you feel better. We all have 20 minutes to give ourselves.

Do Yoga

Yoga is a newer activity for me. I took a yoga class in college, but all I remember is always falling asleep on the wrestling mats where we held class. I also practiced yoga after giving birth to each of my sons. It was my way to ease back into exercise at the 6 week mark. I never really looked at yoga as a valid form of exercise for me. Then, a few years ago, I began to experience daily pain from fibromyalgia and was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease in my spine. Suddenly, my favorite exercise of running was out as an option. Some days my pain was so bad that moving at all hurt. So I decided to give yoga a try again. I had a DVD that I started with but became quickly bored. To the internet!! I stumble on Yoga with Adrienne and she is perfect for those of us who are a little less traditional yogis!! I love to move and run so the peaceful, calmness of yoga, while great for my body and mental health, left me feeling anxious to move to the next pose. Yoga with Adrienne adds some fun and lively commentary to her videos on YouTube! She also has a terrific variety of videos to choose from, so go check her out or go find someone you love! Namaste!

Exercise

If you don’t like yoga, then find a different type of exercise. Get moving every single day. Even if it is only 20 minutes. Keeping your body moving and in shape will also help keep your mind in shape. We can all find 20 minutes a day to do some exercise. Even if it is just some lunges and crunches while watching our favorite TV show at night. On the weekend, grab a friend and take a walk. Get a couple self care ideas in at once!

Read a book or magazine

I hated to read as a child and teenager. In fact, it wasn’t until I as finished with college that I began to enjoy reading for pleasure and getting lost in a book. Books can inspire you, make you laugh or take you to a different place. I tend to lean towards reading non-fiction/self improvement books but I do enjoy a great crime novel. So, find a book that you will enjoy. If books take up too much time or mental energy, then go get a pretty, colorful magazine.

Have an at home spa day.

Give yourself a pedicure. Soak your feet in hot water and some shower gel. Paint your toes with a bright, happy color. Deep condition your hair. Take a long, hot shower or bath and put on some relaxing spa music to set a relaxing environment. If you can afford to go to the spa and get all of this pampering, then go for it! However, for most of us, these kind of spa days are a little more expensive than we can afford, so pamper yourself at home. Keep some fun nail polish, nice spelling lotions and candles and other items you like to use so that when you need it, you are prepared.

Make yourself a healthy meal

Junk food will weight you down. Sugar will cause you to emotionally crash.The more you stay away from unhealthy food, the better. Get on Pinterest or Google and search for something new to make. My two favorite healthy foods to make are a huge salad with lots of veggies and croutons or a big bowl of fresh fruit. Summertime is my favorite time of year because it is so much easier to get fresh, local fruits and vegetables and make a healthy salad. I hate to cook so I rarely cook something, but decide what you enjoy and make it. Our brain is an organ just like the heart. So, while we hear all the time we need to eat “heart healthy”, we also need to be sure we are eating brain healthy too. Everything starts with the brain. It is the organ we should be sure to really take care of!

Call a friend or family member

Who is your village? Who makes you laugh, or makes your heart feel happy when you hear their voice and who will simply make your day if you have a conversation with them? Know who these people are. Have their numbers in your phone. Is talking on the phone not your thing? Then text. I hate talking on the phone but I can text and love having meaningful conversations with friends and family. My siblings and I have an ongoing text feed where we are always sharing funny stories or other things in our life. My boys, husband and I also have a group text feed going non-stop. So, keep in touch with those you love and make each other laugh

Listen to some of your favorite music

For Many of my friends, music is the answer to always feeling better. Pick some of your favorite artists and listen to them. It is so much easier to listen to your favorite songs on demand than when I was growing up and even in my 20s and 30s. So find some music that makes you happy and feel good. Find something upbeat and blast it loud.

Meditate or Pray

Pray if you pray, meditate if you don’t. Just find a way to clear your mind and be still for a few minutes. I try to do this every morning for about 5 minutes. Just sit still and quiet and clear the chaos in my mind. I often pray since I do pray, but some mornings I will just clear my mind.

Take a day

Find a day that you can dedicate to yourself. Take a day trip to a favorite spot. For me, that is always the beach. We need to focus on making sure we are taking care of ourselves and every now and then, that requires more than a quick walk or a few minute phone call with a friend. Every once in awhile, we need to take a full day and dedicate it to ourselves. Spend it alone or spend it with someone else. Just do an activity that will help you take care of yourself and your mental health.

We all need to slow down and take time to take care of ourselves, especially during stressful times. Slow down. Breathe. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. We have to stop and refill ourselves a little each day. If we neglect ourselves, then we will no good to anyone else, but especially we will be no good for ourselves. It’s so easy to let ourselves be last on our list, but we all need to make self care a priority starting today.

Asking For Help

By Debbie

On May 31, 2018

In Mental Health

Why is it so hard for so many of us to ask for help when we are struggling? We hesitate to discuss our problems in hopes that they will go away. We often feel as if we would be a bother to our friends and family. Plus, “what could they really do”, is often our mindset so we keep our problems to ourselves. But why do we do this? What is it about asking for help when we are struggling emotionally makes up stop and continue without it? There seems to be a misconception in society that asking for help mean we are weak, stupid or that it’s embarrassing.

I’m not really sure when this happens though. As little kids, we are always asking for help and we never hesitate. We are uninhibited and ask questions when we need answers. We ask for help when we can’t do something ourselves or can’t figure something out. Maybe as our teachers and parents try to teach us to be independent so we begin to as though feel asking for help at all becomes wrong or a burden.

I recently switched my blog theme. I figured I could do it myself. It seemed as though the other bloggers were getting theirs all set up on their own. How hard could it be? Well, I tried. I tried for weeks. I got frustrated and took and break. Then went at it again. I was determined to figure it out on my own. Im smart enough. I’m also stubborn. However, computers and tech are not my specialty. I didn’t even have computers in college. My brain simply doesn’t grasp these concepts. So, after trying and not succeeding, I asked for help. In a random conversation with my neighbor who was moving out, he told me he was freelancing building websites until he found a full time job! That was it. I hired him to help me and what a relief it was to have an “expert” help me navigate through something I knew nothing about. Easy.

Why don’t we do this when we are struggling with our mental health? Imagine if we asked for help whenever something was bothering our mind as quickly as we go to the doctor for the flu, or a nagging cough that doesn’t go away. Instead of worrying about what others might think, we would simply start feeling better sooner.

So, let’s make a deal. Ok? Let’s start asking each other for help again like when we were kids. Know who is in your circle. Heck, just ask anyone if you really are struggling. Whether it’s help for setting up a website, or help with depression, just ask. We need to be sure we teach our children it’s ok to still ask for help. Let’s not squash that. The best way to teach other is by doing it yourself. Let’s be the example for those around us. Ask for help. How can I help you??

How Depression Feels

By Debbie

On April 28, 2018

In Mental Health

An elephant on my chest. Weights on my legs. A lump in my throat. Tears in my eyes. Walking through deep water. A mind that is blank.Â The sun isnâ€™t as bright.Â Zero energy. Even less motivation.Â

These are just a few of the descriptions of how it feels when my depression hits. The thing that really sucks?Â My damn depression rarely gives me a warning that itâ€™s coming for a visit!! Â It usually just appears!Â About a month ago, I was going through my day and then, BOOM! I was overwhelmed with the feelings I listed above. Nothing triggered it. There were no warning signs. It just settled in for a visit and I wasnâ€™t sure how long it would stay.Â

At first, I try to just ride it out the first day. I assess whatâ€™s going on and see if thereâ€™s something that may have upset me. I look at my eating and make sure I havenâ€™t been eating too much sugar or partaking in too many adult beverages. I take Cymbalta, so I make sure I didnâ€™t forget to take it that morning. It helps, but it hasnâ€™t totally eliminated these moments. I make sure Iâ€™m exercising and try to increase my activity since exercise helps keep it away. Am I getting enough sleep? Have I been watching too much news?Â Iâ€™ve gotten to know my triggers over the years and the things that help so I try to take time to asses these things.Â

Depression is hard work. Hard work that we have to do when we have no energy to do it. Hard work we have to do when we have no motivation. Life continues, so often we have to put on a brave face and go to work or take care of family or go to school. Whatever it is, the responsibilities are still there.Â Often during depressive moments, some things just donâ€™t get done.Â They are left until we are feeling better which means more hard work is ahead.Â

Depression is exhausting. It takes so much more energy to do even the simplest tasks. Getting out of bed and showering can leave me needing to sit down and rest before I can go to my next task. Fixing something to eat, turning on the TV, even fixing my hair and make up will leave me exhausted. Even with 8 hours of sleep, depression will make my body feel as though I was up all night.Â

During these moments when my depression shows up, I do my best to push through. I have kids and a husband I take care of. Itâ€™s something Iâ€™ve learned to deal with when it comes. I know it will pass and have a time limit that if it doesnâ€™t pass by then, I go see my doctor. That hasnâ€™t happened since I started medicine again 3 years ago however, that visit was prompted by my depression coming and sticking around far too long.Â I do what I can to get through these moment and get to the other side of it.Â

The other side feels like instant relief. After about two weeks of my latest episode, I woke up on a Saturday morning and the weight on my chest was gone. Breathing was easy. I easily got out of bed and hit the gym. I needed my sunglasses. I had energy. I was rested. My mind was full of thoughts. So for now, Iâ€™m back to feeling good. I pray it stays for a long time. Sometimes I go weeks, months and Iâ€™ve even gone years without any depression. Life is calming down after a number of years of chaos. This will help. I will continue my self care and helping others understand that depression is more than just an emotion. It is physical. It is a chronic illness that can come and go. And, even when it may not seem it, those of us who struggle are always doing the best we can.