Ending Stigma Together

The teen years are known to be difficult and a time in parenting that many people dread.  For some reason, it was, and is, my favorite stage of parenting!  Teens are known to shut down and stop talking to their parents, start distancing themselves from family gatherings wanting to be with their social groups more, starting to start staking out more independence and even some pushing of the limits.   Between the hormones, mood swings and attitude, it can be hard to determine if your child is simply being a “normal” teen or if there is something bigger going on in their life.  It is hard to determine which it is if all you get is grunts and door slams, so how do we go about keeping out kids talking? How can we keep the conversation going and keep them from shutting down?

*Share some of your own struggles past and present.  As parents, we want to be strong and in control of our family.  Many parents keep a big separation between their own emotions and struggles and their children.  Here’s the thing, our teens are quickly approaching adulthood. They need and respect first hand advice. Some parents hesitate to share their mistakes with their children.  When we share the mistakes and stupid things we did when we are younger or even ones we have made recently, we can use it to help guide them to make better choices but it will also bridge the gap that can often begin to form between parent and teen during these years.  Your kids will see you as human and you will show them it is ok to make mistakes, but it is crucial to pivot back on track and keep their goals in sight.  By stripping off some of the parent facade that society says we need to have, you will start to crack open that door of communication. Now, I’m not saying you have to share every mistake you made or that what you share with a 17 year old is the same thing you should share with a 13 year old, but I’m just saying to try to share some of your own personal struggles. It is important for them to know struggling is ok and that you understand how it feels.  We all want to talk to others who we believe “get it.”

*Be sure to give them 10 positive statements for every negative statement you make towards them. This is something I either read years ago or studied in my psychology and counseling classes.  It is something I did with my boys from the beginning and stressed to my husband to dot the same thing. Being a parent is stressful under the best circumstances.  Add some of the outside life stressors, and it is so easy to become snappy and negative to our children.  This is important to recognize every day of their lives, but more so in the teen years.  At this time in their life, they are already talking to themselves negatively.  They have numerous teachers so it is harder for them to get lots of positive reinforcement from teachers and coaches.  There can also be more criticism in social circles from other insecure teens.  It is up to us, their parents/caregivers, to make sure they are receiving more positive messages than negative ones. By focusing on making positive statements to your teen, you will slowly be building up their self-esteem, self-worth and their bond to you will continue to strengthen.  This will lead to being able to have more in depths discussions with them about the tough issues they face. 

*Take them out for their favorite food or activity. Nothing will open us up more than eating some of our favorite foods.  Even grabbing take out and going somewhere else to eat it will work.  Let them pick the place or type of food. Teenagers are always hungry. They are growing.  Food is a fun social activity. It doesn’t have to be fancy or even for a meal.  It can be their favorite ice cream place, or cookie shop or just a cup of hot chocolate or coffee.  The point is just to do something together away from the regular routine to give them an opportunity to relax and start opening up to you some more.  It’s important to find a way to make them feel comfortable.  

*Learn as much as you can about what they are interested in so you can talk to them about it with knowledge.  I have 4 sons so for me, sports was key.  I know more than even the average sports fan of many sports. Football, baseball, wrestling, fencing, swimming, track, cross country, soccer, basketball, lacrosse, and many more but these were the ones my boys played and had interest in so I learned all I could about these sports, their star players and trivia.  We can talk for hours about sports with them. When they were younger, it was Star Wars, super heroes, cartoon characters, etc.  If their interests are music, listen to it with them.  Whatever they are interested in, learn about it so you can engage with conversation with them on a regular basis and this will lead to a stronger bond and more open communication. 

*Shoot them texts daily to build rapport and text silly things/memes, etc. This is one of my favorite ways that I used to build rapport and keep connected with my sons.  As soon as they got their first phones in middle school, I stated texting them.  By high school, I would shoot them texts during the school day to remind them how much I loved them and to let them know I hoped they were having a great day. I know, teachers frown upon this, but I don’t think one text from me is going to disrupt their day.  In fact, my oldest son has severe ADHD and my second son has high functioning autism and shooting them a text in the middle of the day was exactly the calm reminder that they are not along and exactly what they needed to push through the rest of the day.  I also love to text funny meme’s or pictures that I know they will enjoy.  Building up this relationship through technology is a language they can relate to.  Plus, they will get used to texting you and it is often easier for us to talk by text than in person.  There is no law that talking to our teens has to be in person.  You’ll be surprised at how much teens will share with you over text.  Sometimes face to face is much harder and they will share something more over a text. 

*Start talking to them like the young adults they are and not the children you see.  Yup, it can be hard for many parents to transition from treating our kids like children to treating them like adults.  While they are not full adults yet, they so want to be on so many levels.  One way is how they are spoken to.  This doesn’t mean they have adult brains or reasoning yet.  This is why the teen years can be so difficult.  They are caught between childhood and adulthood, but want to be treated more and more like the young adults they are becoming.  You know your child best and know how much they can handle but doing simple things like including them on conversations you once excluded them from, asking them their opinion on a problem you are having, or talking to them about some current events that fall into their interests and see what their thoughts are on it.  

*Listen without judgement.  As adults, it is so easy to forget what it was like being a teenager.  We forget how hard our brain is working to keep up with all the changes going on inside our bodies.  We forget the stress of juggling school while dealing with changing hormones all while having the pressure to decide where we want to go in life! Like any of us really know what we want to do at 16!  It can be so easy to judge the things our teen say and do or be quick with advice.  Trying to solve their problems may not be what they are looking for, but it is often our instinct as parents to try to fix all the problems our kids have.  Try to take a step back and just listen.  Listen to what they are saying.  Listen to their emotions.  Acknowledge that you are hearing them by nodding or words of affirmations. If you feel it is appropriate, ask questions such as, “How are you feeling about this?”, “Would you like to hear my thoughts or do you just want me to listen?”, “I can tell this is really bothering you. I’l so thankful you are sharing it with me.”  If your teen is sharing and you want them to keep sharing, stay positive no matter how insignificant or stupid you feel the scenario is.  Remember, they are teenagers and even having the wrong clothes can be the end of the world to them! 

*Grab a small gift for them. This is just an easy and fun way to build the rapport and get some conversations going.  My boys always get excited when I pick up a little something for them because they know it means I was thinking of them.  When your teen has had a stressful week of homework, busy week of activities, a tough time with friends, or if they had a great week on any of these levels and you just want to show them you see them and they are always on their mind, picking up a small gift to show this to them.  Some of the “gifts” I’ll get my sons range from a simple piece of candy that they love, their favorite take out, a magazine or book I think they might enjoy or anything else I think will lift up their spirits.  When you give them the gift, it is an invitation to start a conversation with them when you give it to them.  

*Don’t let you shut them out.  Yup. If only it was this easy, but hopefully some of these ideas will help you achieve this.  My older sons have always been very open and communicated with me very well.  Shutting me out was never an option and we will talk in small amounts if needed, but we will talk.  My youngest was a little more closed off as he entered the teen years.  One day I could tell he was upset about something, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I looked him in the eyes while holding his hands and said, “You can have some time to yourself to process your thoughts, but we will talk before you go to bed.  We are not allowed to shut others out when we are upset in this family.  I am here when you are ready.”  About an hour later, we talked and helped him work through what was upsetting him.

 Sometimes our teens just need to know that we won’t give up. Then need to understand that we are there for them no matter what.  Like every other relationship in life, the one with our children takes a lot of time, thought and investment.  It takes time and effort on our part.  They need to see us making that investment into their lives.  I see too many parents expect their teens to take the lead.  That is just too much to put on them.  Their brains are not at that level yet and we need to help guide them and support them so they learn the tools and skills they need to communicate their struggles with someone.  Keeping it in is never a good option for anyone at any age.  

***The information shared on this website is not meant to replace professional help, but rather to be educational, sharing personal struggles and experiences and to let you know you are not alone.  If you, or someone you know, is having suicidal thoughts, seek medical attention at your local emergency room or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.***

Over the years, I have realized that many people have some misconceptions about what depression looks like, or what it really means.  We tend to use words loosely in our society.  Often we begin to overuse them so that they become so common, that their true meaning gets a little fuzzy.  One of the chapters in my book, Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life, was about this exact topic.  Since I devoted a chapter to it, I thought I’d take some time to share them here.  These misconceptions can lead to stigma and misunderstandings towards those who may need our support more than ever.  Today I will share my top 5 misconceptions I have experienced over the years. 

You just need to change your mindset and snap out of it. 

AHHH, if only it were this easy, then chronic depression wouldn’t exist and we would all walk around happy. If you struggle with depression, you know when it hits you; just snapping out of it isn’t an option. People need to understand this. We need to tell them. It’s a process and usually quite the opposite of quick.  Sometimes we need to let it run its course, sort of like a virus.  When my boys were little and got sick, the words, “it’s a virus”, meant it might last 7-10 days.  Sometimes, we need to let our depression run its course for a week or so before we can get back on track.  Other times, we need to see our therapist or doctor to help us get to the other side of it.  Just understand, depression is not something we can just snap out of on a whim. Now, I am a big believer of positive affirmations and positive thoughts can have positive effects on our mental health, but it needs to be part of a daily, ongoing practice to help us stay mentally healthy.  However, even with all of our supports and doing every thing right, depression can still strike.  Be patient and know it takes more work than “snapping out” of it. 

Taking anti-depressants is a sign of weakness.

NO IT ISN’T! Is a diabetic who takes insulin weak? Or is a person with epilepsy who takes anti-seizure medication weak? Of course not! Society doesn’t question them. Nor are they ashamed to admit they need their pills. Well, neither should we. Some of us who struggle with depression will need medication at some point in our lives. Sometimes, for a short period. Others for the rest of their lives. Whichever it is, who cares! Do what will make your life better and more fulfilled, and let others know that it is no different than with any other neurological or biological illness or disorder.  I have been on and off anti-depressants over the years. About 7 years ago I started taking Cymbalta. My depression got very bad as I went through menopause.  I couldn’t move.  Nothing was working no matter how hard I tried.  So, I know take it daily and truly have no plans of stopping it.  I simply feel so much better.  

People with depression will look depressed.

Well, sometimes, but not always. Yes, sometimes people with depression will have a hard time getting out of bed and they won’t eat, shower, or even get dressed. That is the stereotypical picture people get in their minds. However, sometimes, depression can be hidden on the face. We may still smile and interact. We go to work, take care of our families, and do the bare minimum of what needs to be done. How many times have you heard of someone who just didn’t “look depressed” after they have died by suicide or attempted to end their life? We need to be aware of all of the signs of depression that those around us may be experiencing.  Some of these signs are general sadness, feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in normal activities, socially isolating, changes in sleep, fatigue/lack of energy, change in appetite(either increase or decrease), and agitation to name a few.  If someone you love or know well seems like something is not right, then chances are, it probably is off.  Don’t be afraid to ask.  Don’t hesitate to ask if you can offer them some support.  Even if they don’t take you up on it, they will know they are not alone and this can go a long way.  

Depression is the same as just being sad. Not quite. Depression is sadness, but so much more. Too many people think being sad and being depressed are the same thing. The just aren’t. We tend to throw the word around when what we are really feeling is sadness.  Sadness is an emotion everyone feels at some point in their lives. When we watch the news and see a tragic story, a movie that makes us cry, or when a friend no longer wants to be friends, or if something you really wanted doesn’t come to pass, we feel sad. Sadness is a feeling that is typically brief and fleeting. It won’t last super long and it typically doesn’t take over your entire body. Depression does. Depression will affect every bodily system. It lasts for more than a few minutes or a few hours and usually more than a few days. Yes, when we are depressed, we are sad. We may cry to the point of being unable to breathe. Yet, depression is so much more. It is a physical sensation of feeling weighed down by rocks. It is the physiological symptoms such as fatigue, pain or confusion that comes with it. It is a loss of appetite or an increase of appetite for an extended period of time. Depression can affect how you walk, sleep, and function in every way. It is so much more than just feeling sad.  We need to understand the difference so we can offer the right kind of support and encouragement. 

Being depressed is the same as being suicidal. Most people who struggle with depression  are never actively suicidal. Also, many individuals who are suicidal may not appear to be depressed or even struggle with depression but another mental illness.  I have had many people assume over the years that because I have struggled with depression that I have also struggled with suicidal thoughts.  Thankfully, I have never been actively suicidal. I have never thought about ending my life or come up with a plan. For that reason, I won’t be sharing a lot about suicidal thoughts. I simply don’t feel as though I have a deep enough understanding of it. However, I have shared ways to keep your emotions and depression in check and better help you to avoid reaching this level of despair.  You can check out my post on some ways I keep my depression under better control HERE.  Just as someone with diabetes has to eat correctly and take their insulin on time, a person with depression needs to manage his or her symptoms, mind, and body in order to maintain our health and prevent suicidal thoughts. We need to be sure that our loved one who is struggling with depression is not suicidal.  Safety is always first.  The two just don’t always go hand in hand. 

Again, if you or someone you love, is having suicidal thoughts, call the suicide hotline or go to the nearest ER in order to get immediate help. Your depression has reached a critical level.   You can reach out to either of the numbers above.

Please check out my book, The Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life. You can get it HERE.

***The information shared on this website is not meant to replace professional help, but rather to be educational, sharing personal struggles and experiences and to let you know you are not alone.  If you, or someone you know, is having suicidal thoughts, seek medical attention at your local emergency room or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.***

When I was a little girl, my great-aunt Lillian used to tell us about the 1918 flu pandemic. While she was only 3 or 4 years old at the time, the memories of that time were seared in her memory.  I never even imagined ever going through anything like it, yet, here we are.  Our medical care is better now, so I hope that the outcome will be better.  However, these are uncharted waters for all of us. For me, the unknown and drastic changes in my regular routine can really trigger my depression.  In fact, even my anxiety has been high and I don’t usually struggle with anxiety.  We can feel we have no control over anything, but we can control what we do to help keep us mentally and physically healthy.  Our self-care is something we can ramp up during this time in order to help both of these areas.  I wanted to take time to share some of my tips for self-care to help us manage our depression and anxiety during this interesting time.

Get some fresh air daily.  Yes, we are suppose to stay away from people as much as possible, but we can still go outside.  Sit on your porch or take a short walk.  Just feeling to sun and air on your face can not only help your brain but can also help you stay healthier.  There was a recent article floating around that mentioned how patients who were treated outside during the 1918 flu pandemic actually got healthier faster than those inside.  The sun and fresh air are truly healing.  

Move your body daily.  Whether you take a walk, do some yoga or walk up and down your stairs, move around.  If we just sit on the sofa and watch TV, it will quickly take its toll on our mental health. A sedentary lifestyle is poison to depression  and anxiety.  We need to keep those endorphins pumping through our brain, so find a way to move a little bit every single day.  

Meditate or pray for 5 minutes a day.  We need to take a few quiet moments each day during these unpredictable times. Taking a few minutes to calm our minds and clear our thoughts can help us re-center throughout the day as we need it.  Practice your deep breathing during this time too. 

Eat healthy meals and snacks.  There will be a whole lot of time to snack and munch the day away.  Try to choose healthy options.  Instead of chips, maybe eat pretzels or veggies with dip.  Try to stay away from high sugar, high fat and processed foods.  They aren’t good for our physical or mental health.  Feed your brain with foods that will help depression and anxiety.  And be sure to drink lots of water to stay hydrated. 

Do something you enjoy each day. Pick an activity you can do at home that brings you joy. Do you like to read? Watch TV? Do a puzzle? Or write? Whatever it is, do it for a few minutes each day to help ease any worry or stress you may be experiencing during this time.

Journal a little bit each day. This is a great way to sort through any thoughts or concerns you are having.  Writing them down and processing them can help keep your thoughts from consuming you. I created a few journal prompts for this specific time.  You can download them HERE.  Of course, you can just free write when you journal.  Do whatever helps you sort through your thoughts so that they don’t keep racing through your head. 

Please share any ideas you have for self-care during this unusual time.  I would love to hear what you are doing to take care of yourself during this time.  I created a free printable for these self-care ideas for you, too, so you can easily access them.  Grab it HERE.

Stay well, my friends. 

Be sure to grab my book, Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life. You can get it at this Amazon link.

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