Ending Stigma Together

I had planned to post this story last week during Eating Disorder Awareness Week, but I got my weeks confused because I had a major fibromalygia flare the week before.  So, you are being blessed with my story this week instead. Lol. In theory, every week we need to be aware of how eating disorders are affecting those around us.  You can see the signs and symptoms of each eating disorders on the National Eating Disorder Association’s website HERE as well as other statistics and information.  I will be focusing only on Anorexia Nervosa in this post since that is the one I have personal experience with and I hope my story may inspire and help someone else. 

I even dug through the garage to find my journal from this time in my life and it was hard to read some of my words but I wanted to remember how I was feeling and thinking. 

~On January 24, 1987 I wrote, “I’m back at ESU…I’ve lost so much weight and people worried and I don’t want that.”

~On February 3, 1987 I wrote, “I really need help. It’s taking over me…Today I ate 380 calories.”

~On February 8, 1987, just two weeks before being send home I wrote, “I’m trying to convince myself I’m too thin but I feel fat.”

This gives you a snapshot of my mind at the time.

I graduated high school in June of 1986.  I started college just 5 days later.  It was an incredibly amazing summer semester to start college.  I’m still friends with my two closest friends from that summer.  However, while at school, I didn’t like the food.  This led to me losing about 5 pounds or so.  Nothing concerning at all, but it was the beginning. The program I was part of meant we went home for the fall semester and came back in January for the spring semester.  While at home, my parent’s marriage was quickly falling apart.  The stress of it let me to lose my appetite which then led me to losing more weight and eventually leading to feelings of euphoria when I got hungry and as I got thinner.  Now let me be clear, I do NOT blame my parents for my anorexia.  I think it was a combination of many factors and also the start of my chronic depression. Graduating from high school, starting college so soon after, all the change and the demise of my parent’s marriage was truly the perfect storm.   Plus, when I get really hungry, it’s not an uncomfortable feeling like it is for most.  I feel euphoric and it is almost like a high you would get from a drug. 

All I can say, is this was by far the darkest moment in my life to this day.  I had no strategies or techniques for what I was going through.  I didn’t even understand what was happening or that what I was doing was harmful to myself.  I would lay awake at night and pray for God to either take me or show me how to get help because I sure didn’t know what to do!

The strange thing is, I remember so much of it.  I remember feeling hungry in the beginning.  I remember going to work at my dad’s store and not eating the donuts and snacks that were around.  I remember not eating until dinner each day.  I remember that my weight was down to 95 pounds when I returned to school and that my friends from the summer were all very concerned.  I remember that adults in my life thought I must have cancer or AIDS(it was the mid 80s when AIDS was a new thing and we still didn’t know much about it), and I remember always being cold.  So. Damn. Cold.  I remember feeling like my mind controlled me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control my mind.  I remember that no one mentioned anorexia nervosa to me until I was back at school.  I don’t remember exactly who said those words to me first, but I remember going to a meeting held in one of the dorms on eating disorders.  My friend suggested it.  I sat there, all 90 pounds of me, and listened to every characteristic and realized I had every single one.  But anorexia? Could I be anorexic? It was both a relief and a moment of confusion when I had it slapped in my face.  Shortly after that meeting, I told my mom that I thought I needed help and that things were out of control.  

I finally saw a doctor back home in Philadelphia.  He told me 5 more pounds and my organs would have shut down.  At 5’7” feet tall, I weighed a mere 84 pounds!! I had started at 130 pounds just 6 months before.  I had lost 32% of my body weight and to be anorexic, you need to be 20-25% under your ideal body weight.  The psychiatrist told me that at my height, 101 pounds was that cut off.  Death was a hell of a lot closer than I every want to be again before I’m 105 years old! So, my journey towards recovery began.  I was naive and all I wanted to do was get back to college so I wanted to get this whole treatment thing over fast! I had friends to hand out with, parties to go to and classes to finish.  I didn’t have much time for this anorexia nonsense, so I did what they told me to do.  I ate. Each day I ate a little more.  And a little more. The first time I went over 600 calories, I was bent over in so much pain, I was crying.  My stomach felt like it was exploding and it was like that everyday for weeks as I slowly introduced food back to my body.  It was not an easy road back to a normal level of calories but the doctor game me a weight to be at and a caloric intake to reach before he’d clear me to return to school.   It was my motivation.  Because of how the semester was set up, I was able to miss 5 weeks of school and still save my semester.  We had a 2 week spring break at that time, so I missed 3 weeks of classes with medical leave, then 2 weeks spring break for a total of 5 weeks.  This was just enough time for me to go back to class but with some restrictions.  I didn’t care! My goal was to get back to my college life as fast as possible.  There was a problem with this though.  You see, I tried to rush my treatment.  I tried to rush my recovery. I tried to convince my family that I was “better” so I didn’t have to continue therapy.  I wanted to just be “normal” again.  I wanted to got down the shore for the summer and not running to therapy. I wanted to move on.  Let me give you some advice, don’t rush treatment.  Take the time to heal yourself both physically and mentally.  Whether you are struggling with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety or anything else, take the time you need.  You will save time in the end and you’ll be stronger for it. 

What happened by trying to rush my treatment, I actually made my recovery last years longer than it probably needed to be. Let me clarify, recovery is ongoing.  It is not linear and it really never ends.  What I should say is that I would have gotten to a more stable place in my recovery faster had I just taken the time to do all I needed to do during that time.   Because of trying to rush my recovery, I ended up struggling with my body image, weight and depression all through my 20s and into my 30s.  Had I slowed down long enough when I was 18, then I believe I would have settled into a more stable place sooner. I would have had a chance to learn strategies and techniques for both my eating disorder and my depression.  Instead of riding the wave my my brain starting to function again because I was feeding it, I needed to use that energy to heal, but I didn’t want to take the time to dig that deep. This taught me a lot and I realize looking back that there were many holes in my treatment that I wish I’d had.  Now granted, there weren’t a lot of places that even treated eating disorders and few psychiatrist specialized in it.  It’s probably the one time I’ve been a pioneer in anything! Haha!! Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe I would have benefited from quite a few resources and information.  

*I wish I had been admitted inpatient.  I was in a true medical crisis but the stigma of being admitted kept my parents from admitting me and from me agreeing.  Looking back, I’m truly lucky I survived.  Another example of how ending stigma will change lives. 

*I wish I had been told to see a nutritionist and had one teach me how to eat properly and in a healthy way.  I was just told to eat and gain weight.  It simply created a different problem for a few years.  Of course, now almost all eating disorder programs have a nutritionist to help with this reentering the eating world.  It should be an innate behavior to eat when hungry, but that innate instinct gets confused with anorexia.

*I wish I was encouraged to stay in outpatient treatment for at least a year if not longer.   My depression continued to pop up and I kept thinking I was just not trying hard enough or eating enough.  It would just go away for good once I was better.  I thought the two went hand and hand. It wasn’t until a few years later that I finally realized depression wasn’t going anywhere so I needed to learn to manage it instead of letting it manage me. 

I have never relapsed.  That is a blessing.  Have I gotten a little too thin during a stressful time? Sure, but I always knew I needed to eat more when that happened.  My body image struggles continued until my mid 40s.  Yup, I knew I had to keep my weight at a certain place but that doesn’t mean I always liked it or that I still didn’t get excited when I lost weight.  The rush is still there a little but now I am in control, not anorexia. There is recovery.  It does get easier.  It will be messy and at times quite the roller coaster, but it is a process.  That’s one thing I didn’t understand in the beginning and either did a lot of those close to me.  It takes time.  Give it time.  You can have life after anorexia and a great one at that.  

***If you, or someone you know is struggling with anorexia, please seek help. In addition to NEDA’s website and hotline(800-931-2237), you can find more information at National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders(ANAD) as well as the Mayo Clinic HERE. A few of my favorite books on eating disorders are, Life Without Ed, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me and Eating In The Light Of The Moon.  These are good if you are the one struggling or your loved one is struggling.  Knowledge is a big part of healing.***

Don’t forget to sign up for my emails and get your Depression Survival Guide workbook and head on over to Amazon and grab my book: Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life.

I’ve always been a planner.  In fact, I love having plans for my plans!!  Here’s the thing, when you have depression, it can become difficult to plan.  I have lost count on how many times I’ve been excited to do something that I’ve planned, only to have myself unable to do it because I am just too emotionally spent.  I was much better at “faking” my way through my plans. I think this is because it was only me, so my energy wasn’t being used taking care of a spouse and children.  I had more time to recover. I had less responsibilities and could just lay in bed for an entire day or two if needed.  However, that is not very realistic for the majority of us who live with depression.  Just like many other illnesses, we need to remember 

Be realistic.  I used to just make plans and packed my day full of activities.  I thought if I kept moving, I’d have less time to be depressed or to think of those pesky negative thoughts that most of us struggle to squash. However, all that did was exhaust me and not allow time for the self-care I need on a regular basis.  I’ve learned over the years that I need to be realistic with how often I can commit to plans with others as well as myself.  I need breaks during the day. I need a day off consistently to recharge.  Planning to go non-stop for too long, will only lead to my depression to creep in because I haven’t been able to take care of my brain and physically exhausted me. So now, I am realistic to how much I can do in a day.  This can vary for week to week or year to year depending on you current level of mental health, so you may need to experiment to find what works best for you. Figure out your threshold and then be realistic about how much you can handle.  Be patient while you figure this out. 

Allow flexibility.  There is nothing I hate more than having to cancel plans or not complete what I want to be doing. Here’s the thing, depression and mental illness can be very unpredictable.  We need to give ourselves grace and allow to be flexible when we may need to change or alter plans.  Maybe you are supposed to go somewhere from 7pm-10pm.  You don’t want to cancel, yet, you don’t have the energy to go for the entire even.  Instead, maybe you go for an hour to two. Determine how much you can handle or push yourself to do in order to not cancel.  Your true friends will understand if you need to flex the plans but my cutting the time, you still keep your commitment and taking care of yourself. 

Have a Plan B.  I always like to have a backup plan.  I know many people say not to have a plan B with your goals, and part of me fully believes that.  However, it is good to have a plan B with our plans.  Maybe you were going to go out dancing or to a festival of sorts, but you are just not able to be around that many people.  Have a list of activities you know that you can pretty much handle during these times.  Maybe it’s a movie, or going out to eat, or some other calmer event.  It is helpful for us to be prepared and not to put the decision on the other person/people.  We need to be self-aware and understand our needs so we can help others to understand our needs.  

Be honest. Let your friends and family know when you are struggling.  If I really can’t push myself to do something, I will let my friends and family know WHY I am cancelling so they don’t think it is me avoiding them.  If I need to alter the plan a little because I am having a bad day, I discuss it with them and make sure they are ok with another option. And sometimes, I just tell them I am struggling and I go anyway.  Being a good friend means keeping plans if at all possible. If I get to the point of not being able to follow through on any of my commitments, then I know it is time to talk to my doctor or therapist because I am not doing well.  

These are techniques I use for both daily plans as well as vacations.  With each passing year, we learn more and more about ourselves and our mental health.  It is necessary for us to be aware of what we can, and can not, handle; what we can, and can not, control, and when we need to make adjustments. Communication can go a long way with helping us meet our needs and to stay strong.  I hope you find these techniques helpful.  I would love to hear how you juggle your depression and making plans with others.  Remember, we are stronger together.  

Don’t forget to grab my FREE Depression Survival Guide HERE if you haven’t downloaded it yet and hope on over to Amazon and grace my book HERE. Let’s end the stigma together.

I’m a big believer in therapy.  I have been many times over the years.  I am not currently seeing a therapist because life has been a little hectic, but I am hoping to get back to it within the next 6 months.   I have been through a lot of stressful events over the past 15 years or so and I am starting to feel like it would be helpful to have someone to check in with on a regular basis.

I don’t really know the mental health network here in Orlando yet, so I will have to start from scratch. It can seem very overwhelming and daunting.  Especially if you are currently in a state of crisis.  Here’s the thing, it is much more difficult to find the right help when you are in the middle of a crisis.  That is why it is good to build up a rapport with someone during the up time, so that when the down times hit, you already have a supportive therapist in place.  Hopefully, by checking in regularly, you will even be able to keep your mental health more stable for longer periods of time.  

What are some of the things we should consider when choosing a therapist?  Of course, insurance coverage and overall cost is almost always a top consideration for most of us. It’s pretty much a given that finding an affordable therapist or one that is covered by our insurance is a priority.  But what are other aspects to consider when finding a therapist? I’ve listed my top 5 characteristics I look for when I am choosing a new therapist.

1. Is it convenient?  It may sound silly, but we will be more likely to go to our therapy appointments if it is convenient and easy.  It’s like anything else, if it isn’t, we will be less likely to stick with it.  Did you every join a gym or go to a church that was a little on the far side?  We often won’t stick with it because it takes too much effort to get there and back home. That’s why location is so important.  This is actually easier than ever with online therapy resources such as Better Help and other online therapy options.  With this option, you can live anywhere and reach a therapist as long as you have access to the internet. Whether you choose the more traditional, in person option or online, just choose the option that will be convenient for your life.  If you have to drive an hour each way in traffic, then you will be more likely to cancel.  Therapy isn’t meant to add one more stressful thing to your life. It is meant to help you. 

2.  Do they make you feel comfortable?  I’ve been to therapists who I feel I can pour out my heart from the moment we meet. I’ve also been to therapists who rubbed me wrong from the moment I stepped into their office.  Trust your gut on this one.  Of course, if you are skeptical of everyone you meet, then definitely give them a chance.  You just need to be with a therapist who you can feel comfortable with sharing your problems, feelings and most difficult struggles.  Do you like them? Is there anything about them that makes you feel bad?  Remember, YOU are interviewing them.  It has to be a good fit or you won’t get anything from your sessions.  

3.  Are they a specialist or do they have training in your area of concern?  You want to make sure the therapist you are going to has experience and training in your area.  If you are struggling with OCD then you don’t want to go to a therapist who only focuses on depression and anxiety.  You want someone trained in the struggles of OCD.  My point is, don’t just assume every therapist is trained equally in every mental illness.  So when you call to schedule the appointment, ask.  Ask them how much experience they have with your issue. You don’t want to waste your time with someone who won’t understand the way you feel. 

4. How long does it take to get an appointment?  When you call to get an intake appointment, how far out do they have to go to find a therapist?  Can they see you within the next 6 weeks or do you have to wait 6 months?  Also note how long it takes to schedule your next appointment.  Once you are a client, are they able to see you on a regular basis?  My one son saw a  therapist at a clinic type setting.  The practice was a provider for one of the health insurance companies so we went there because it was free for us.  It took 6-8 weeks to get that next appointment. They were SO busy but it worked.  A few years later, the therapist left and started his own practice.  We followed him because our son adored him and was making amazing progress.  Once private, we were able to see him every other week as well as weekly as needed.  Of course, now we were private pay so it cost us $120.  However, we were able to see him more and make faster progress. My point is, with a private practice, you will probably be able to see someone more often, but if cost is a factor, you may just have to take what you can get.

5.   Get to know them at your first appointment.  This sort of piggy backs off #4.  Ask them questions.  When you meet them, ask them what they know, where they got their degree and and what types of training they have had.  You have a right to know these things since you are giving them some of your deepest struggles.  I’ve also asked how long they have had their practice.  If they have any interesting pictures or decorative items in their office, I have asked about them or if there was a story behind it.  Conversation.  I want to be sure we can have a conversation; a back and forth.  If you feel comfortable with a little small talk then that is a good thing.   

Picking a therapist can be nerve racking but hopefully these few tips will help make it a little easier. Remember, it’s ok to not go back to a therapist a second time if it didn’t work.  I believe everyone deserves a second meeting, but I also believe it’s ok if that doesn’t happen.   Do what makes you feel comfortable but keep yourself in check to make sure you aren’t self-sabotaging by “never being able to find a good therapist.”  There are a ton of amazing therapists out there.  Go find the one who is right for you! 

https://amzn.to/2vC3zG7

As the years have quickly gone by, I have made more of an effort to look for different things that make me happy.  I have a friend who searches for a smile every day.  She will post a picture with the hashtag, #WhatsYourSmile. I know another woman who is always searching for heart shaped items in her day.  I try to notice what is in my environment that make me smile and to keep them close.   What this has done is help me to build up my resources that I know can help me when I’m struggling with my depression. We all need to look around and find that positive inspirations each day.  Then, tuck those away or write them down so you can reach for them in those moments of depression or anxiety.  I wanted to share a few of the things that make me smile. 

*My 4 sons.

*The warmth of the sun.  

*The smell of the ocean and the sand between my toes.

*Palm trees.

*Fresh squeezed orange juice.

*A brand new book.

*A text from my siblings or one of my sweet friends. 

*Chips and salsa.

*When a new season of one of my favorite shows is released on Netflix or Prime.

*Dark chocolate. 

*A big salad with all of my favorite vegetables and fresh, seasonal fruit.

*The peace of the early morning and the sunrise.

*A long walk.

*A coloring book and sharp colored pencils.

*My pets. 

These are all things that make me smile and lift my spirits. I keep this list handy in case I am ever in the need for a boost.  I also try to take notice when they happen during my day. I’ve read studies on how laughing and smiling can boost your mood and increase the feelings of happiness, so I try to find ways to make this happen.  I’d love for you to share with me a few things that make you smile even on your toughest days.  

***The information shared on this website is not meant to replace professional help, but rather to be educational, sharing personal struggles and experiences and to let you know you are not alone.  If you, or someone you know, is having suicidal thoughts, seek medical attention at your local emergency room or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.***

These past few weeks were tough for me emotionally and mentally.  I’m not really sure why exactly.  There weren’t any big events that occurred, no obvious triggers or any red flags waving to explain it.  It simply was.  What I realized was just how much energy it was taking me on a daily basis to give all I had to not let my depression win the battle it had begun.

Have you ever felt this way?  You can feel your depression trying to overtake your brain and body. It’s right there knocking on the door.  You are going to do all you can to keep it away, but the depression just tries even harder to kick in the door.  You pull out all the tricks and techniques you have in your tool kit, yet, depression just won’t quit giving its full on press to breakthrough.  It’s a lot like when you feel like you have a cold or some other physical illness coming on.  We start washing our hands more, eating healthier food, take extra vitamins, drink some orange juice for the extra vitamin C and even rest some more.  In both scenarios, we are adding activities to our already busy day in order to stay healthy so we don’t lose any time from our daily life.  Sometimes we won these battles.  Other times the depression, or the cold, wins.  All I know is that it is exhausting.  It is physically and mentally exhausting when we are fighting with our depression and the past few weeks I was fighting hard.

Every single day for two weeks, I felt physically and mentally heavy.  It was almost like I was walking around with my weighted blanket! (If you don’t have one, check out this one on Amazon) While I love sleeping with my weighted blanket, it’s not a feeling you want daily while trying to get your life activities done.  When I feel like this, it is just more exhausting to physically walk.  I have to sit down and take breaks. The emotions are raw and right at the surface so I have to work harder to keep them underneath the surface when working or dealing with others.  Having to engage with people is both exhausting, but I also know that fully retreating and withdrawing is also not a good choice.  So, I work hard at finding that balance needed to work at not slipping into that downward spiral.  However, after being social, I feel like I need a nap.  Everything just takes twice as much energy as normal and my brain is working in overdrive to fight the darkness the best I can in order to try my best to not let it take over completely at this moment. 

It is EXHAUSTING.  I think most in society doesn’t fully understand this aspect of mental illness.  You see, when we are doing well and we aren’t struggling, we are still working hard.  We are often pulling out all of our tricks to keep ahead of our depression. We put into motion the things we know will help us.  When you have recurring depression, it’s never far from your mind and that in itself is exhausting.  We are fighters and will continue to fight to make sure we empower each other to make sure our story is one of triumph and strength.

Now, let me be clear, I am NOT saying that we can control our depression by wishing it away.  If only it was that easy.  I’m not talking about the times we just wake up depressed or when it hits like a tsunami. Sometimes we can’t fight it; even if we bring everything we have to the battle. However, I do believe that there are times when we are aware of our triggers and become aware of how our mind and body feel when we are beginning to slip downward in the depths of depression.  When this happens, we need to be aware of what helps us and begin doing some of these activities and avoid situations that trigger us.  This is why I love for everyone to have their own Depression Survival Guide so we have these techniques readily available when we need a reminder of what helps us.  If you haven’t downloaded your free copy yet, you can do so HERE, or you can make your own.  Knowing what helps us vs what can make us feel worse, is a powerful tool for all of us who live with depression.  We can’t always control when it comes, but we can control what we do in between episodes as well as during a depressive episode in order to lessen the intensity and length of time we are depressed.  There is something very empowering with having a plan in place and knowing that there is at least something we can try to do.  Give yourself the gift of feeling empowered and create your own plan today.  It can be exhausting trying to fight our depression, but we don’t have to fight it alone.  We are stronger together. Let me know if I can help you in any way!