Ending Stigma Together

January 2, 2017 will forever be one of those days that forever changed me. I remember exactly where I was when I found out my dear friend of almost 25 years had died.  After a night long search, her body was found.  I had just woken up and was in the bathroom when a mutual friend sent me a copy of the message that the school where she worked had sent out.  She also informed me that the word around town was that she had died from suicide.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement. As I relayed this tragic news to our mutual former co-workers, we all were equally as stunned. I remember shaking and feeling as though I would vomit any minute.  We all had so many questions. Questions to which  we would never get answers. At first, we thought there had to be some mistake. Our friend couldn’t  have died by suicide. There must be some other explanation. Even murder seemed more likely an explanation than suicide.  You see, our friend was the one who always made a joke or did something outrageous like photocopying her face(or other body parts) at work. She exercised, taught health and fitness to teenagers, ate healthy and was always up to speed with all the latest health and fitness information.  She also loved her husband, children, family and friends fiercely and fully.  Out of all of my friends, she was the last friend I ever would have expected to  die by suicide. 

This tragedy showed me that no one is immune to mental illness.  Not even those of us who work in the field or mental health and know how to go about getting resources.  Not even those of us who have a supportive community.  Not even those of us who are loved deeply by so many.  The mind is a complex organ and one we still don’t know everything about.  What makes an individual who has so much decide that living is just too hard?  What makes others who have nothing manage to choose to keep living?  I wish I knew these answers, but I don’t.  For some reason, the depression seems to block, or alter, the brain’s natural instinct to survive.  Those dark feelings somehow gain control over one of our most basic instincts: survival. We still have so much to learn about it.  What I do know is that there is a hole in my life where my sweet friend once was.  There are only memories there now.  Those memories will keep her close to those of us who love her and miss her.  Whatever darkness came over her 3 years ago, is now gone as she flies with the angels.

In the days, months and years since her passing, I have learned a few things about life, depression and suicide.  

First, we absolutely need to keep talking, sharing and bringing awareness to mental illness and the signs and symptoms to watch for in someone you love who may be struggling.  The more knowledgeable we all are, the more we will be able to reach out and help those in need in our lives.  Discuss these big feelings with your family and make sure everyone need to watch for if someone you care about is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide.  So often people don’t even bring up the subject of suicide. In my family, I have always looked for ways to weave in these topics to regular conversation with my sons.  One thing I do is open up conversation when a high profile figure dies from suicide.  It opens the door and allows me to share with them the signs, the types of feelings individuals experience and most of all, it makes the topic of suicide less taboo.  The older I get, the more I want to discuss topics that are seen as taboo in society.  The only way we can stop topics from being taboo is to openly discuss them.  

Second, cherish every moment you have with those you care deeply about and who have made an impact in your life. What I have learned over these past few years, it’s that we truly never know when it could be the last time we see someone.  Always leave on good terms. Hug them.  Tell them how thankful you are to have them in your life and how blessed you are to be in theirs.  The past few years, I’ve lost quite a few friends to one thing or another.  All were too young to die.  Nonetheless, their lives were cut short.  We aren’t promised tomorrow.  We all know this on some level, yet we don’t always live life this way. Be intentional with those you love.

Third, growing old is a privilege.  There is a quote that I stumbled upon shortly after she passed away: “Do not regret growing older.  It’s a privilege denied to many.” ~Unknown.  It really spoke to me.  You see, my friend passed away shortly before her 50th birthday.  We aren’t promised tomorrow.  Each day is a blessing and each birthday is to be celebrated.  Each day is to be embraced. Each moment appreciated.  It isn’t always easy and I often fail at it, but I try a little harder because I appreciate life a little more now and I am living to honor my friend. 

Last, we need to be the ones to reach out to those we know are struggling or have a history of struggling. We always here, “why didn’t they reach out?” Or, “They could have gotten help if they had just asked.”  Sadly, when we are depressed, we aren’t thinking straight and the deeper that depression becomes, the harder it is for someone to even do what could help them.  In a clear mind, we all know we have people we can reach out to for support or how to call 911 to get help.  However, when our minds become clouded with depression, all that we know and understand can get really messy.  This is why we can’t rest on the idea that others will reach out to us if they need help.  What we can do, is regularly keep in touch with those 

My wish for each of you is that you never have someone close to you die by suicide and that all of your loved ones live long, happy lives.  For those of you who have, keep honoring their memory by embracing every day and every moment the best that you can.  Do something to remember them on special days like their birthday or the anniversary of their passing.  Their memory will live on.  I just pray everyday that we are able to reach more people before they feel they have no other option. That by talking more and bringing awareness, we will start having more individuals who are struggling know that they can reach out, but we can’t put the full burden on the one who is struggling. We all have to continue to connect and keep in contact with our friends and family to make sure we are all doing ok.  Embrace each moment.  Live with intention.  And let’s keep talking so one day soon, there will be no more Mental Health stigma.

What an amazing experience I am having at the Self-Publishing School’s first ever Author Advantage Live event! I started thinking about writing a book about my journey through depression a few years ago but truly didn’t think I had “ what it took” to be successful. Lacking confidence has always been a struggle for me, but as I have successfully overcome various challenges over the years, my confidence has begun to soar! I have always been a late bloomer, so this should be no surprise to me. I finally wrote my book, Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life. Have you read it yet? If not, you can get it on Amazon HERE. There is also and accompanying guide to creat your own Depression Survival Guide that you can get on this website under the “My Book” tab. At the very least, I suggest checking out this FREE resource I created. I believe just this alone can be very helpful to you or your loved ones if depression is something they battle daily.

So, how did I write a book? How did I get started? And, how did I know what to do? Well, I stumbled across a Facebook ad for Self-Publishing School and clicked on it. It led me down to more information, free webinars and eventually a free cake with one of their amazing coaches. I am so thankful I joined this amazing program. Check out their blog post HERE on what the steps are to writing your own book. I feel it is SO important for all of us to share our stories when we are ready. By sharing, we help more people. One of the greatest perks of social media is being able to connect with other who share our struggles and being able to support each other and also learn from each other. Plus, sharing is the fastest way we can end the stigma that mental illness still has in our society. You may feel you don’t have a story worthy of sharing. That is how I felt. You may feel you aren’t any good at writing or maybe you got C’s and Ds in English class like I did growing up. Seriously, my high school guidance counselor told me I wasn’t smart enough to go to college and if I did by some small chance get accepted, I would surely fail out and waste my parent’s money! It sounds so silly that this comment haunted me for so many years. Despite successfully getting a degree in Psychology and a Masters Degree in Counseling, I still doubted my intelligence and though no one would ever want to read what I wrote. These past two years have been ones of healing and deciding what I wanted to do with my life from here on out now that my sons are almost raised. My passion has always been mental health and education others about it, so that lead me to creating this blog. It has been a slow process of learning and sharing but I am so happy I have committed to building this community.

However, I felt like there was still more I could share and I wanted to reach more people, so I checked out SPS. After hearing Chandler’s story of success(college drop out, C English student), I thought to myself, “If he can write a successful book and build a 7 figure business, then I can certainly write a book. So, I took a leap and made the investment in his course. I got assigned a coach and the online course had videos, downloads and all the resources need to understand how to write a book and self-publish it on amazon. It has been an amazing experience and one I encourage everyone to think about doing! Now, don’t get me wrong, I have not made a ton of money, yet. I am so easily distracted(working on this) and I have a ton going on in life so my marketing of my book got sidetracked. However, I just feel we all have a story to tell. Here is the thing about writing down our stories and sharing them with the world, it can be so healing and therapeutic.

I want to encourage everyone to think about the best way to share your story and experiences in life. What is your best way? How can your story not only help others heal, but help you heal? Maybe writing a book isn’t the way for you, but what if it is? Check out this other article HERE on what the steps are to get started to write your own book. Let me know your thought and email me if you have any specific questions on my journey. Let’s heal, share and end the stigma together.

You can click on the embedded links above to find out more about self-publishing school or go https://selfpublishing.com/self-publishing and https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-a-book/ to see the articles. Start your amazing journey today.

“If you or someone you care about is having thought of suicide or do not feel safe, call the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255 or go to your nearest emergency room.”

September is Suicide Awareness Month and on September 10th, we observed Suicide Awareness Day.  Although it is sad that we even need a day or a month to recognize something so tragic is in itself, tragic.  Last week was a tough one as we lost 2 mental health advocates to suicide.  One was Pastor Jarred Wilson of California and the other was Gregory Eells, the head of counseling and psychological services at The University of Pennsylvania(PENN).  Both of these men had battled their own share of mental health struggles over their lifetime, but both had become strong mental health advocates in their respected communities.  My ultimate prayer is to have no one dying from suicide because they simply feel life is too painful to continue on.  The thing with depression is, our brains often begin to lie to us and lead us to believe that death is the only option. Earlier this week, I shared an article on these two tragic deaths HERE. 

They say people who die by suicide don’t die because they want to die but because they just want their emotional pain to stop and they get to the point where they believe there is no other way.  This is where the brain starts lying to us and making us believe something that just isn’t true.  As someone who has battled depression my entire life and understands the darkness that can descent over our minds and bodies, I can empathize with these individuals.  When the depths of depression reach these levels, we are no longer thinking rationally.  As I like to say, “my brain had be believing I only needed 400 calories a day! I practically starved myself to death!”  That is some pretty strong power that depression can have on us.  We can often go against the basic instinct of survival.  Our depression has taken control of our thoughts and often our actions.  While I have never been actively suicidal(as in I had a plan and wanted to carry it out), I have been to the depths of this kind of depression.  In all honesty, the only reason I probably never attempted it during those times is because my grandmother always used to say to me when I was growing up, “God has big plans for you. Don’t every give up during the hard times. They will get better.”  When I was a freshman in college and battling my worse depression episode, plus anorexia, there were many days that I would pray for God to either take me or help me to get better and use me to help others.  Thankfully, we both chose the later and I am still here. 

 It is clear that no one is immune from suicide.  We often hear that there aren’t enough resources(which there aren’t!), insurance rarely has great mental health coverages(sad, but true), or that we need to educate society more about the warning signs to look for and what we can all do to help our loved ones.  One thing I think we have learned, is even if these factors aren’t an issue in a person’s life, they can still die from suicide.  Last year the world lost Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdin to suicide.  Both had more money than needed to get the best psychiatric care in the world.  The could have admitted themselves into the best facilities around and afforded top professionals in their fields.  Yet, neither was able to bring themselves to do it.  Their depression was just too dark.  Money can’t always fix the problem. The thing that is just as upsetting is that many in society don’t understand how someone who is so successful and wealthy could possibly have anything to be depressed about.  As I have said before, that is one of the greatest misunderstandings.  We don’t need something to be depressed over, or anxious about, or obsess over. Mental illness does not need a reason.  It can just exist. 

Then last week, with the death of Pastor Jarrid and Gregory Eells from Penn, we realized that even having knowledge AND resources may not be enough.  Both of these men had all the knowledge and resources needed to help them through their dark times. Yet, it still just wasn’t enough.  Both men were surrounded by professionals that could have helped them and guided them but their depression talked them into going down a different road. A road that you can not turn around and that is truly a tragedy.

So, what can we each do to help this suicide crisis we seem to be having?  We are seeing kids as young as 8 years old dying by suicide.  Honestly, they are barely even old enough to understand the finality of death, yet the rates of that age group are on the rise. It continues to be on the rise in all age groups.  Some people are even calling it an epidemic.  I do believe we are hearing about more cases than we used to because society is talking more openly about mental health.  However, there has been a gradual increase over the last few years. That is one of the actions we can all take part in.

*We need to keep talking openly about our struggles.  The more we all share, the easier it will get for others to feel comfortable sharing.  I used to hold things inside.  I was very quiet and reserved during my teen years. I kept my emotions and struggles to myself because I didn’t really think anyone else would really care to hear me complaining.  Well, that nearly killed me at 18.  While I wasn’t consciously suicidal, I was slowly starving myself to death.  All the emotions I kept inside me were starting to shut my mind and body down.  I knew that I could die but didn’t seem to have the ability to pull myself out of the darkness. It took my loved ones pulling me from college and forcing me to get the help I needed.  It was during this time that I realized how deadly and unhealthy holding in your emotions can be, so it was then that I began to express my emotions loudly and also began to more openly talk about my depression and anorexia.  What I found was a bunch of other people who were also hurting in silence. The silence has to end.  Keep talking!

*Don’t shame others who openly talk about their suicidal ideations.  Sometime you will hear individuals say, “oh, she just says that to get attention” or, “he just does that to try to control us.”  Here’s the problem with this type of mentality: if someone shares they are having suicidal thoughts, even if you believe it is for attention or control, they need to be addressed. There is something going on with them.  Actually, they may very well be screaming for the attention of someone because they aren’t really sure how to help themselves.  They may also be struggling with other mental health issues and saying they are suicidal may be the only way they know how to express that.  Or, they may truly want to die.  Whatever the reason, don’t shame them for sharing their thoughts and feeling.  We need to listen and support those in our lives. If they feel close enough to open up to you, then there is a reason that they did.  Listen to them, and do what you can to get them to a mental health professional for an evaluation. Don’t just shrug it off. It’s better to err on the side of caution then to live with regret.

*Educate yourself about the signs and symptoms so you are able to better spot a loved one who is struggling. The ironic thing about suicide is most people in society seem to expect a person to scream, “I am suicidal!” at the top of their lungs. They believe that if a friend of family member is in danger of dying by suicide that it will be very obvious to all around them.  That is usually not the case.  Suicidal thoughts are often kept to the individual having them.  Many are able to mask their depression by smiling and laughing. Many of our funniest friends are masking their depression with smiles and laughter.  Just think of Robin Williams.  He made millions making people laugh for a living yet couldn’t fight the darkness of depression any longer.  One of my closest friends died by suicide almost 3 years ago. To say we were all in a state disbelief is an understatement. I still have a hard time accepting it. Often the signs and symptoms are more subtle.  You can see a list of the signs and symptoms of suicide HERE.  Learn them and know how to see them in others. 

*Stay connected. We live in a world where we are becoming more and more disconnected to others.  People are “busy” working long hours, raising kids and running them around to activities.  Often, individuals need to work 2 jobs in order to pay the bills. You don’t even have to leave your home to survive if you plan it out right.  Many of us can work from home. We can have food delivered.  With Amazon, we can really have everything we need delivered.  And while this is amazing for individuals who are unable to leave the house, it also makes it easier for us to be disconnected.  It seems as though now more than ever, we need o make an effort to stay connected with those in our circle. Who do you need to reach out to right now? With so many different ways to stay in touch, with just a little effort, we can connect with those we love and care about on a daily basis.  Make the effort.  You don’t want to sit with regrets for not picking up that phone and calling/texting or sending that message on Facebook.  It’s good for everyone.  I talked about the importance of knowing who your village is and also letting those know you are in their village in my post on Tuesday.  Go check it out if you haven’t read it yet.

*Have a plan or help your loved one to have a plan.  Do you experience suicidal thoughts? Does your loved one?  I read a blog post a couple years ago by a woman who lives with Bipolar.  She shares that she often has suicidal thoughts and I’m pretty sure she had a few attempts over her lifetime.  What I found absolutely fascinating was her sharing that she has a plan for when her mind starts lying to her and telling her she wants to die.  She plans for these situations because she knows that it is part of her illness.  It is a lot like how I have created a plan for my depression.  You can check it out HERE and download it for free. The more we prepare for our dark times, the easier it will be for us to travel make to the light again. So, take some time and sit down and come up with a plan that will help you get through those moments when your brain starts lying to you about how wonderful life is and that things will always get better.  Consult with your therapist or other mental health professional to help you to come up with what you need to have in yours.

Reality is, there will most likely always be suicide, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying to eliminate it.  Working together, raising awareness, and talking about mental health in the same comfortable way society discusses physical health will help to continue to break down the walls of the stigma. If we can save just one life of a loved one, wouldn’t it be worth it?

If you want to know who your true tribe is, all you need to do is go through a crisis that lasts more than a short period of time. Once you get to the other side, you will see not only who was there for you when you needed them, but also who stuck around until you made it to the other side.  You see, there are people who can swoop in and be there in the midst of your crisis.  They are the ones who know just what to do and what to say when the storms is really at its worst.   It is also just as important to have those who are there on the other side to help you put things back together.  These individuals may not have known how to help in the middle of the crisis but they know how to come in afterwards and help you with your healing.  While others are They patiently waited and understood that you couldn’t be the best of friends for awhile and they hold no hard feelings about that.  They just come back when they are needed. We need both in our tribe and we need to figure out which one we can be to others in our tribe. 

I am blessed to truly have friends and family in both of these categories.  Granted, most of them live in another state than I have over the last 15 years, but technology and visits have helped keep our connections strong.  There is just something extra special about those friends who stick around for years, and even decades, and are still there when you come out on the other side of a really bad crisis.  When we are going through difficult times, it can make it very hard for us to be a good friend.  We often don’t have the energy, the time or even the desire to keep in touch, go out or even to talk on the phone.  It is during those times that we realize who are the members of our tribe who can be there during a crisis and who can be there on the back end of a crisis.  The difficult part will be when you realize that some friends who you thought were your tribe, really aren’t ones you can count on at all.  It is extremely painful to watch a person you thought was a close friend, walk away from you during one of your most difficult moments.  There really isn’t much you can do about it.  It is their choice and the faster you can let go and move on, the better it will be for you.  I went through this myself and it is not easy.  It took me a couple years before giving up on a lifelong friendship, but after making multiple attempts to reconnect that went unanswered, I moved on.  It was freeing.  By knowing where you stand with others, it  allows you to narrow down and accurately identify the true members of your tribe.

Once you know who your tribe is, or even who you believe is part of your tribe, you need to write down their names and phone numbers so you have them handy at all times.   This will be a tremendous resource for you when you have your next difficult time.  I also keep pictures of my tribe around my home.  I am a visual person.  By displaying these photos, I am constantly reminded of how many people I truly have in my corner and just how blessed I am.  This is especially helpful on the days I feel isolated, alone and have trouble remember that I have a large tribe of people who love me and support me.  It has also been helpful since I live far from many of them.  Of course, you should also be sure they are aware that they are part of your tribe!! Usually, this doesn’t need to be said, but if you want to be sure, then talk about it.  

As important as it is to know who our tribe is, it is also important for us to be aware of whose tribe we are a member of so that we are ready and available for them during their difficult times. We can’t possibly be there for everyone.  We can try, and many of us do. However, we will stretch ourselves too thin and then we won’t be any good to anyone. It is also necessary to know which kind of tribe member you are and what you are willing to do for them.  Are you the kind of person who can swoop in at the height of the crisis, or are you better coming in after and help your friend “clean up” and get life back to normal?  Either way, be sure they are aware that they can count on you and that they can call you when they need you. 

What if you don’t feel you have a tribe?  Then it is time to start to build one.  It will take time, but it can be done.  A great place to start is by calling your local NAMI office and finding what kind of support groups they offer.  Here you can often find other individuals who understand your challenges and are more empathetic and supportive.  Look into joining some community groups that interest you, attend church or another religious service.  It will take some effort on your part to look around and try different activities in order to begin to build some meaningful friendships.  Another place support can be found is online.  There are many Facebook communities that focus on interest, challenges and people who you might connect with.  Find a group and start engaging with them.  I have added a few members to my tribe from these groups.  Often, connecting with someone who can relate to your challenges can be a great ear to listen because they “get it.” I have tried to work really hard to cultivate these relationships. We have to be sure we give to others too and not just take from them.

So, take some time and make sure you know who is in your tribe and be sure you know who includes you in their tribe.  Having a support system is so crucial to our mental health.  We have to make a little more effort since the world is so busy, but we need to take the time to be sure we know who is in our tribe.