Ending Stigma Together

I was never officially tested, evaluated or diagnosed with ADHD/ADD. It simply wasn’t a common diagnosis when I was growing up.  Especially when you didn’t have the “H”/Hyper piece of it.  I always had trouble remembering new concepts or even things that I was supposed to be doing on a day to day basis.  I learned to write lists for reminders, sit closer to the front in class, and keeping a datebook.  These helped, but I still got easily distracted.  I honestly never even gave it a thought that I might have ADHD. Never.

That is until I took my son to be evaluated for ADHD when he was about 10 years old. We discussed all of his symptoms, behaviors and struggles.  We decided to hold off on medication and the psychiatrist suggested that I read a book called, Driven To Distraction, by Edward M. Halloween, MD and John J. Rates, MD. (ADD LINK TO AMAZON). This book had an entire section dedicated to adults who had ADHD/ADD but had gone undiagnosed. There were something like 28 symptoms/behaviors listed and I had all except for 2! I realized that many of my struggles and challenges were most likely caused by this undiagnosed challenge. Since I had this new knowledge and the fact that my son was just diagnosed himself, I started reading and searching for as much knowledge possible.  My son, who is now 21, has learned and implemented many techniques and strategies that have helped him to be productive and successful. The two of us discussed what we both feel has helped him become successful and productive an adult.  Here are a few of our tops tips.

Write lists and more lists for your lists. LOL. I realized in my senior year of high school that if   I wrote down what I needed to get done, I had a much better chance of actually remembering to do it.  I also received a sense of accomplishment with each one I crossed off.  Sometimes those of us who live with ADHD/ADD, can walk around in circles all day and not really get anything done.  We just can’t remember what we are supposed to be doing or what we should be doing next.   Because of this, I will often have two lists going; one for personal items and one for work items.  I taught this skill to my son when he entered middle school.  I told him to not just keep track of the things he had to do for school but also outside of school.  I suggested he crossed out each item as he completed them. He will be a senior in college in 2 weeks and he still uses his lists. 

Keep a paper calendar, a wall calendar and a backup in your phone. I know this sounds excessive to the average person.  However, if you deal with ADD/ADHD, you truly can’t have too many reminders.  I have found that by putting important dates in my phone with a reminder as well as writing them on my paper calendar, helps me to not forget where I need to be and what I need to be doing.  I often forget to check my datebook and often ignore my reminders on my phone. Having a back up makes it less likely that I will forget what I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be doing it!  My son has also learned to have back ups for his important events. Despite being just 21 years old and been raised in the age of technology, he still uses a paper datebook. 

Set alarms for reminders.  This is quite easy to do with smart phones. You can set an alarm to go off whenever you need to do anything.  I will add a note to my alarms so when it pops up on my phone, I know why it is going off and what I need to be doing at that moment.  You can also set an alarm to go off every 20 minutes to take a mental break when you are working or doing something that takes concentration.  Often when an individual knows they only have to stay focused for a shorter period of time, it is easier for them to stay focused knowing there is an end in sight.   Then, you can take a 5-10 minute break and move around, get a snack or just clear your head. This is a great technique for many of us with ADHD/ADD. 

Sit close to the front in class, worship, conferences or other places that you need to pay attention.  I know as kids, sitting at the back of the room was where we all wanted to be.  I’m not sure how or when the back of the room became know as the “cool” spot to sit, but it just doesn’t work for many of us.  It took me a long time to figure this one out, but once I did, it made a huge difference in my learning.   When I sit towards the back of a room, all I focus on is whose tag is sticking out, whose hair is messy, what everyone is wearing, etc.  There are just too many distractions.  When I am in the front two rows, there are less items to distract me from the individual or event that I am there to see.  My oldest son began sitting in the front of the class when he was in high school.  He also sat away from the door and windows.  Those can be big distractions too! All I remember of my 9th grade history class was the school parking lot! I sat and stared out the window whenever I was near them.  My point is, find the spot in the room that will have the least amount of distractions for you so that you can stay focused during the event.  To be honest, if I was wealthy enough to have front row seats at concerts, I would do that too.  Concerts are so distracting with all that people watching!

Do your most difficult tasks first when your mind is sharpest.  When my oldest son started high school, I taught him this trick.  He does not like math classes.  It has always been his least favorite subject and a thorn in his side.  So much so, that he had a party in college when he completed his last math class he ever needed to take!!  So, I encouraged him to start his homework by doing his math homework first.  When we start with the hardest task or the task we enjoy the least, we will have more energy and our minds are sharper, therefore, we can tackle our toughest tasks first and get them completed. It seems to be our nature to procrastinate with the activities that we don’t enjoy and push them off until the end of our list.  Instead of confronting them, we avoid them.  Eventually, we have to complete them and we just end up doing it at the end when we are exhausted and worn down.  When our minds are exhausted from already working, then we have even a more difficult time focusing than we normally do.  So, next time you have a list of tasks to complete, start with the most difficult tasks first and get them out of the way! 

I’m sure many of you have other great tips and techniques that you use. I would love to hear them.  Whether you take medication or not for your ADHD/ADD, most of us still need to have techniques we can use in order to help us get through our days at work, school or just regular life events.  I am a big believer on knowing what helps you and what doesn’t help.  We need to be our own best and strongest advocate.  As parents, we need to be advocates for our children and help them figure out what works for them.  Then, we need to teach them how to advocate for themselves.  This will make life easier for everyone.  

**This is not a political post but one to bring awareness of how harmful words can be to  society.**

One of my greatest passions is mental health and ending the stigma that our society continues to attach to those with mental illness and mental illness in general.  Here in the United States, we had 2 mass shootings in the span of 48 hours and 3 in the span of a week.  In my opinion, this is a multifaceted problem here in America.  It is a crisis that will take awhile to fix because we have ignored it for far too long. It’s not just about guns.  It’s not just about trauma. It’s not just about untreated mental illness. It’s not just about hate.  I have lots of ideas of how we need to go about creating a more stable, loving, aware, and safe environment for all of us, but that is not what this post is about today.  Today I am just asking you all to be aware of your words.  I am asking our leaders, reporters and others with a widely reached platform to be aware of your words.  Referring to a shooter as a “mentally ill monster.”  I’m not condoning what the shooters have done. That is NOT my point. My concern is attaching the word monster to the mentally ill. These are just not fair statement and ones that wont help those with mental illness to seek help or feel safe.  We can’t generalize mental illness in this way. We need to be careful of our words.  We have a lot of problems in our society and we do have a mental health crisis, but calling names will not solve this crisis. We do have a gun violence crisis, but name calling and generalizing all gun owners will not solve this crisis.  We have a lot of things we need to fix.  However, name calling will not help heal or help those who are in great need for help. 

NAMI posted this statement in regards to the shootings and the APA(American Psychiatric Association) released this statement.  Please educate yourselves and others, but most of all, seek answers and solutions without name calling and creating an even worse environment for those who live with mental illness.  As the statement by the APA states, “…the overwhelming majority of people with mental illness are not violent and are far more likely to be victims of violent crime that’s perpetrators of violence.”

Let’s continue to work together to end the stigma, educate others and fight for more mental health funding.  This is something we can all do and make a lasting impact. 

I was first introduced to weighted blankets and weighted vests when I was teaching children with autism.  We had a couple of weighted vests in the classrooms and some had weighted blankets at home.  I watched at how a very upset child, would quickly calm down with the proper weight applied.  About 10 years ago, I read, Thinking In Pictures by Temple Grandin.  In her book, she talks about how she discovered as a child that pressure helped to calm her.  While at her aunt’s ranch one summer, she put herself into a vice contraption and she immediately felt calmer.  She continued to do this and eventually sought out pressure when she became upset. There weren’t any books or websites for her to research.  She simply figured this out on her own.  I started thinking about how when I was a child, I had to have my sheets all tucked in around my bed nice and tight.  My dad would literally “tuck me into bed” and make my bed like he did when he was in the army.  I was tucked in like a burrito and I loved it!

In the last few years, weighted blankets have become more mainstream.  You can even buy them on Amazon or stores such as Bed,Bath & Beyond.  I did some research and finally decided to buy one for myself.  Now, I wanted to try one for a few reasons.  My first reason was that I thought it might help my legs.  I have chronic pain from Fibromalygia and my legs are usually affected the most.  This also causes my legs to have spasms and I thought that maybe it would help settle them down in the evenings.  I found someone who made weighted blankets.  What I knew I wanted was a cotton material.  I didn’t want it to be a true blanket because I thought it would be too hot to use here in Florida.   When I finally received my weighted blanket, I was so excited.  My blanket did help the pain in my legs as well as the spasms. My husband started stealing mine because it helped him to fall asleep.  So, I ended up buying one for him too!  Not to be left out, my youngest son began to use mine while sitting on the sofa.  He was experiencing a ton of growing pains from growing so fast, and it helped him.  Of course, his brothers needed to see what this was all about.  One deals with anxiety and the other high functioning autism.   Both loved the way the weighted blanket felt and helped them relax.  This led to weighted blankets for everyone for Christmas! 

Since I love lists, here is a list of a few other things my weighted blanket has helped:

*It helps me to relax and fall asleep faster.  I have never been one to fall asleep quickly.  It would take me hours some night.  When I travel, I now have to ask for extra blankets to I can have more pressure and fall asleep.  The one downside of the weighted blanket is that it isn’t very travel friendly.  Especially when flying.

*It calms those anxious feelings that can sneak up on me and also helps calm the anxiety of my one son.  Something about that pressure just calms down the body.

*It truly helps the aches and pains.  When my fibromyalgia is all over, I snuggle down under it as much as I can to try to sooth the discomfort. 

*I just love it! Seriously, It is my favorite thing ever!  I actually look forward to going to bed now because I know I will be falling asleep in a normal amount a time instead of just tossing and turning. 

*It actually calms my depression.  I think because it makes me feel grounded and more relaxed that my mind just settles down too.  This was an unexpected benefit for me.

*Mine is just pretty.  Lol. Ok, this isn’t really a therapeutic reason, but it’s true.  Since I had mine made by a woman in her home, I was able to pick the fabric.  It has such bright, happy colors that I can’t help feel a little more cheerful when it is on me.  Plus, in my family full of young men, I needed some pink! 

So, if you or someone you love struggles with depression, anxiety, autism, falling asleep, or even pain, try a weighted blanket. It could be a good resource to add to your tool box. 

When you live with depression for most of your life, you end up trying almost anything to help keep it away or get it to not stay around long.  About 15 years ago, I heard someone say that keeping busy can help your mind to not focus on your depression.  I decided to give it a try.  We had recently moved from Philadelphia, PA to Birmingham, AL. I was having a hard time assimilating and was having trouble making new friends, so I made a decision to try this “keeping busy” thing a try.

So, that’s what I did.  I started filling up my schedule. This wasn’t hard to do. I have 4 sons and at the time they were all under 12 years old and three of them had some challenges that took a lot of extra time.  Because this wasn’t enough, I decided to add things such as training for a marathon, volunteering in the church preschool on Sunday mornings, taking the boys to church on Wednesday evenings, and of course, volunteering at school at every request.   Whew!  I wanted to be REALLY sure I had no time to be depressed.  In fact, I really didn’t have any time to feel much of anything.  I was running non-stop from 5am until 11pm most nights.  We were going, going, going all day, everyday for a number of years until I couldn’t go any longer.

I was driving in our Suburban.  I was so overwhelmed by all that was going on with my sons.  One was struggling with ADHD, one was recently diagnoses with High Functioning Autism, one with the trauma he suffered from his years in foster care before he joined our family and then my youngest who was just cruising through life trying to keep up with all of his big brothers.  Add all the regular routines that having 4 kids entails, their extra needs that required specialists, therapists, IEP meetings, etc, all the volunteering I was doing all while in a state where I had no family and at the time, no close friends, I simply wasn’t giving myself time to sort out all of my big emotions that came with all of these changes and challenges.  I remember vividly coming to a 3 way stop sign.  I was heading up the mountain back to our house.  As I came to a complete stop, I was washed over with a massive wave of emotions. I can’t remember what exactly precipitated it, but I believe I had just gotten another phone call from school telling me something negative about one of my boys.  At that time, not a week went by without a phone call from a school and some weeks I got calls daily.  We were drowning. I was drowning. As I sat at the stop sign, I let out a loud scream.  It was a painful scream.  The tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t catch my breath. I yelled out to God and asked Him what the hell he was thinking giving me all of this. I told him I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t strong enough.  Now, I’m not one of those people who always say they feel the presence of God.  I pray and I believe, but just didn’t know what people meant by “feeling” God’s presence until that moment. As I sat there crying and screaming in frustration, I felt a wave or warmth was over me and I literally heard a voice say, “It is going to all be ok. You are strong enough. I am here with you.”  Now, I believe it was God reassuring me that I was going to be ok and that everything would be ok despite the current stressors.  

In that time of peace in my car, I realized that my children needed me to be strong and in order to be the mom they needed, I had to start taking care of myself and spend most of my time on my family and also on my own emotions.  This is something I had been desperately neglecting in order to avoid feeling depressed.  I made myself so busy to avoid feeling depressed, that I didn’t leave time to access any of my feelings.  I knew on that day that I had to make some changes.  Now, I’d like to say that I nailed this self-care thing at this moment, but that “A-ha” moment wouldn’t come for another 10 years.  What I did realize was that I was only obligated to my children. I needed to step back and reassess all that my boys needed and how much time this was going to take.  But most of all, I realized that keeping myself busy to avoid feeling depressed, was actually leading to me becoming more depressed.  You see, we are so good at ignoring our emotions.  It is so easy these days to find distractions whether it be our children, our jobs, binging on Netflix, social media, exercise, alcohol, or anything else that can direct us away from our feelings.   Eventually, our brain will force us to face our emotions.

So, I made some changes.  I stepped away from teaching on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings at church.  I backed out of my regular commitments at the boys’ school.  I rearranged the boys’ schedule to make sure we had some free time during the week to just be home and relaxing.  I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and never let myself get this busy again, but I’d be lying.   Sometimes we have to get kicked in the head a few times before we get it.  Of course, when raising 4 boys, it is hard to find that downtime even if you aren’t doing a whole lot.  About 3 years ago, I think I did finally learn my lesson.  I had a major breakdown(more on that later) and that was my last straw.  I have made sure since then that my mental health has been a priority.  I say “no” more often, I am home a lot more, three of my boys are now adults and need less of me and I have switched careers to something flexible so I can take it easy on the days I need it.

Keeping our mental health in check is often a balancing act because life in general is  busy and hectic.  We need to sit back and reassess our schedules and make sure we are still leaving enough time to attend to these needs.  Don’t keep yourself so busy, that you become a volcano just waiting to erupt.  Trust me, it is not worth it.  Take care of your mental health every single day.    

Affirmations are something new to my daily routine but they have proved to be such a positive addition that I wanted to share a few ideas on how to create your own as well as a few that have been helpful for me and my mental health. 

When you creating affirmation, you want to keep it in the present tense and not in future tense.  So, using words and phrases such as, “I am”, “Today I am” and not phrase such as, “I will” or “One day.”  By keeping your words in the present, you will train your mind and thoughts to believe what you are saying and in time, you will believe what you are saying and will eventually reach the goal or mentality you are striving for.  Now, I’m not saying that saying affirmations daily will “cure” your mental health challenges.  What I am saying is that you will begin change your inner voice, your negative self-talk that can often be negative will begin to become positive.  You will begin to catch yourself saying something negative and you will automatically replace it with your positive affirmations.  So many of us are our worse enemy when it comes to being positive about our lives and training our minds to be positive takes daily practice.  This is where positive affirmations become so important and helpful.

So, how do we create a powerful, positive affirmations that will help us retrain our brains to use positive self-talk instead of focusing on the negative?  Here are a few great tips tp get started.

**Make sure you write it in the present tense.  You want to use, “I am” and not future words such as, “I will.”  This will be more powerful to your mind when you say them every day.

**Make your statement positive and upbeat.  One of the goals of our affirmations are to change our mindset and our belief system to being positive and get rid of the negative self-talk. Our thoughts can really impact our daily life so lets work on making them help us.

**Keep them short and sweet.  You aren’t writing a book or even an essay.  You want them to only be 1-2 sentences long so they are easy to remember and quick to say. 

**Say them out loud every morning and every night before bed.  If you can squeeze in a third time during the day, then that’s even better. 

**Make them specific to your goal.  Now, a goal can be something tangible such as a promotion, a trip, or financial goal.  It can also be about how you feel and act, such as becoming more positive or confident in your daily life. 

These affirmations are for you and no one else.  It is not selfish to focus on making your mind stronger and becoming a better person.  We are no good to those we love unless we are good to ourselves first.  It is hard to remember to say affirmations daily if it isn’t something you are used to doing.  A few things I do to help me remember  is I write them on index cards and tape them up around my house. I have one on my bathroom mirror, one on the fridge, one at my desk, one in my journal and one in my car.  If I don’t see it, I will forget about it! 

If you are stuck on what to even write, then you can find many examples online and over on Pintrest.  Here are a few that I have used over the past year.

“I am a best selling author and people want to read my book.”

“I am strong and healthy and I don’t let my physical issues stop me from being healthy.”

“My business is thriving and I am a successful entrepreneur.”

“My depression does not define me but is simply a part of my life.”

So, think about what goals you want to reach in the next few months or year.  Start writing a few down and play with the words until they feel just right.  It is very important to say them a couple times every morning and every evening.  I use an app called Mind Jogger to set alarms to help me remember to say them. Do what works for you, but just start!  

Good luck!